The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
