all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
