I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
