I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
