chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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