she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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