I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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