Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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