if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
