the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
