Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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