Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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