Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize