I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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