Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize