Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
