if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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