so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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