Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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