in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
