if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
