Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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