We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Your face is a jimmy john
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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