Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
