Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
