Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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