When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
