I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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