He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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