my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
