Will you blow on my dice?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize