My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
