i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
