Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
