does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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