I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
