I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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