please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
