I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
