she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
