yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish you could order shots online.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize