My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
