Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
