I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
we're so committed to being not committed
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