Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
