but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
