All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
