The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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