Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
