Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
