i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
