I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
