she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize