Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
