I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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