Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
