Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
